Knowing what say in the moment while parenting can be really tough. From the time kids are young toddlers and trying to push your buttons, to bigger kids with bigger problems, we all want to say and do the right thing. In her new column “What to Say When…”, clinical psychologist Nicole Lipkin, PsyD will be sharing her expert advice on various topics—starting with a doozy.
If your child has ever hit you with the “I Hate Myself” moment and you’re wondering how you should have handled it, you don’t want to miss her insights. As Nicole says, “This moment will take your breath away. Here’s how to keep the door open instead of shutting it.”
First, know what’s happening in their brain. “Their prefrontal cortex – the part that gives perspective and reason – is offline. They’re flooded. They literally cannot access the thought, “this feeling will pass,” says Nicole. She adds that “I hate myself” may mean like they feel they can’t do anything right, or they are upset, or feel guilty. They may not truly “hate” themselves but be having another big feeling they can’t articulate yet.
Second, you don’t want to freak out, which will then freak them out. “A flinch. A gasp. A quick ‘don’t say that!’ It all teaches them the same thing: This feeling scares the adults, so I should hide it,” says Nicole. Instead, regulate them by regulating yourself. She says: “It’s called co-regulation, and it’s the most powerful thing you can offer them right now.”
Third, just physically be with them—a hug or a gentle hand on their arm can go a long way. “Be close enough that they can feel you there. Let your body say ‘I’m not going anywhere,’” says Nicole.
Finally, realize your specific answer will depend, of course, on your child, age, and the situation. But your response may include one of these suggestions from Nicole.
“Tell me more about that feeling.”
This keeps the door open. You’re not fixing, not panicking, not correcting. You’re just staying.
Most kids expect you to talk them out of it. When you lean in instead, it signals: You can bring me the hard stuff.
“I’m really glad you told me that. That took courage.”
This does something powerful. It separates the feeling from the act of sharing it.
You’re not saying the feeling is good. You’re saying: Coming to me with it was brave. That makes it more likely they’ll come to you again.
“Something must be feeling really hard right now. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
This works especially well when you don’t know the full story yet.
You’re not guessing at the cause. You’re not interrogating. You’re just planting yourself next to them and saying: I’m not scared of this, and I’m not leaving.
“You don’t have to like yourself all the time, but I want to tell you what I see in you.”
This one normalizes the feeling without leaving them in it.
It says: You’re allowed to feel this AND there’s more to the picture. Then you get to reflect back something specific and real. Not generic praise, but something true you’ve noticed about who they are.
Nicole adds that there are a few things not to say—see below:
❌ “Don’t say that!” (Teaches them to hide the hard stuff.)
❌ “That’s not true! You’re amazing!” (Skips over their reality. They can’t hear it right now anyway.)
❌ “What do you have to be upset about?” (Minimizes and shames.)
❌ “Everyone feels that way sometimes.” (Meant to normalize, but it can feel dismissive in the moment.)
“None of these make you a bad parent. They’re instincts. But there are better paths,” says Nicole.
Finally, you don’t have to be perfect. Just being there, and trying without panicking or leaving, is enough.
Nicole says: The fact that you’re here, thinking about what to say before the moment hits – that already says everything about the kind of parent you are.”
For more expert-backed advice, check out Nicole’s new parenting app, HeyKiddo, full of evidence-based information about everything from milestone tracking to easy-to-implement, personalize tips. @HeyKiddoapp: Giving you the words before you need them.
About Dr. Nicole Lipkin PsyD & HeyKiddo
Nicole Lipkin PsyD is an internationally recognized keynote speaker, consulting psychologist, and best-selling author who focuses on human behavior, leadership, and mental agility. An entrepreneur since childhood, I currently serve as the CEO of Equilibria Leadership Consulting, an organizational and leadership development firm, and founder of HeyKiddo, a company dedicated to building the leadership, social, and emotional skills of children and their grown-ups.
