Motherhood is a lot, and it’s a lot from the moment you give birth until…forever. The mental load, the physical exertion and the constant toggling between work (whether paid or unpaid) and parenting are all relentless. “When I sit with moms who are fried, I see the same pattern over and over again—what I think of as the “burnout trifecta”: depersonalization, exhaustion, and a low sense of personal accomplishment,” says Dr. Jennifer Okwerekwu, a Harvard-trained reproductive psychiatrist who is also a mom of two. We asked her to share more about burnout: how you can tell if you have it, why not to ignore it, how to prevent and, and most importantly, how to heal if you’re suffering from burnout.
Can you please expand on those signs of burnout?
Yes. Depersonalization feels like not recognizing yourself anymore: you’re more irritable, more shut down, or moving through your day on autopilot and thinking, “Who even am I right now?” Exhaustion is more than just being tired; it’s that bone-deep heaviness that doesn’t lift, even if you finally get a decent night of sleep. You want to show up as the mom you picture in your head, but your tank is running on empty. And then there’s that low sense of accomplishment—those quiet, painful thoughts like, “I’m failing,” “I’m not doing enough,” or “Everyone else seems to be handling this better than I am.” None of this is a personal flaw; it’s a very human response to the impossible expectations of modern motherhood. The expectations are high, constant, and often invisible.
Why is burnout serious—and not something to brush off?
Burnout exists on a spectrum, and it’s much easier to course-correct early. When ignored, however, burnout slowly erodes your physical health and the closeness and warmth in your relationships.
A chronically overtaxed brain struggles to focus and regulate emotions, which can evolve into anxiety, depression, or even thoughts of self-harm. Physically, you might notice muscle tension, headaches, poor sleep, or other stress-related symptoms that can wear down your body over time and lead to disease.
Our kids pick up on our energy too. When we’re running on fumes, they can sense the tension, distance, or emotional flatness–even if they can’t articulate it. Over time, they may internalize it in ways that shape their own self-worth and anxiety.
Burnout is serious, and it’s not something to just muscle through.
What can we do to prevent burnout in the first place?
Interestingly, the moms I see most at risk for burnout are often the most competent, capable ones. The same traits that helped us thrive—perfectionism, over-functioning, people-pleasing—can totally backfire in motherhood. I’m in a group chat with other psychiatrist moms called “GEMs”—Good Enough Mothers—and we’re constantly reminding each other to be kinder to ourselves, to lower the bar on purpose, and to let “good enough” actually be enough. Instead of over-functioning, I encourage moms to get ruthless with their to-do lists: delete, delegate, or delay whenever possible.
The goal is not to turn you into a productivity robot; the goal is to stop carrying the entire universe on your back. And with people-pleasing, all those tiny yeses—to school events, family obligations, extra projects—add up until your life doesn’t belong to you anymore. A helpful reframe is: make your “no” cheap and your “yes” expensive. If your yes doesn’t feel solid and wholehearted, the cost to you is probably too high. A guiding question I love is: “Which choice protects my kids’ well-being and my own health, even if it disappoints someone else?”
What helps if you’re already burned out?
If you’re already burned out, we’re not talking about “pushing through”—we’re talking about realignment. Values and identity work helps you reconnect with who you are underneath all the “should” and comparison. When you’re clear on what really matters to you, it becomes easier to intentionally lower the bar in certain places—maybe simpler meals, less volunteering, fewer activities—so you can spend your limited energy where it actually counts. Relational awareness is another game changer. Naming the mental load and noticing unfair patterns at home or work helps you move from “I just need to cope better” to “We need to share and reshape this system.” It stops being a Me problem and becomes a We problem.
And then there’s your nervous system, which is quietly running the whole show. Self-regulation tools—like a few grounding breaths, a 30-second body scan to notice tension, or slowing down transitions between tasks—help your body shift out of pure survival mode so you can respond with a bit more calm and intention. It also matters to say this clearly: regular food, hydration, and any extra sleep you can reasonably get are not indulgences; they are medical care for your brain. Finally, this is where working with a women’s mental health specialist can be incredibly powerful. Someone who understands how identity shifts, caregiving, hormones, and social pressure all intersect in motherhood can help you build an action plan that fits your reality. Burnout isn’t a verdict on you as a mother; it’s a signal that something around you needs to change, and you don’t have to change it alone.
